and here i am again. about to blog about you. because although it has been days, nothing changed. i’m getting used to it i guess. to you. to all the feelings you give me and the feelings you take away from me. and i am awfully aware how stupid i am letting it but i can’t help it. he said that i’m used to coming to you as a safe place in my mind and that i don’t believe i could be okay without you. i know i won’t.
so here we are again. i don’t even know what i am feeling anymore. do i love you? i do. am i in love with you? i don’t know. do i want to kiss you? i do. but mostly, i want you to be happy. and i want to be a person you trust, a person who can make you laugh and who you can relax with. i want to be your friend. cause i know i can’t be anyone more…
You noticed it—the way that they slowly stopped texting you in the middle of the night or how they suddenly started speaking to you in a manner that no longer made you feel special.. and that was the moment you began to question the relationship that never was.
That was also the moment that you knew it wasn’t going to last, but you tried to make it work, didn’t you? You called yourself paranoid for thinking such thoughts, but there was a nagging feeling in your head telling you otherwise. You don’t know what it was that happened, you don’t know if it was your fault that you lost someone so wonderful, but you were left to watch as they slipped from between your fingers and there was nothing that you could do about it.
Suddenly they became a different person—it was almost as if their sweet words had become sweet nothings. You tried convincing yourself that that’s not how they really were, yet that’s their true persona. Maybe you ignored it in the beginning, maybe your mind made them out to be more than they were, but the person you thought you liked is different compared to now. Even then you feel pathetic enough to admit that you still like them or send them texts when you know that they won’t respond anymore.
Now they’re just a distant memory that you’re attempting to, yet having a hard time, letting go of, but you’re trying everything. Part of you wants to burn the memory, but part of you wants to keep it—You want them to be happy, but at the same time you wish that you didn’t. Some part of you still wants what you once had together despite how they constantly ignore you.. the other half of yourself knows better than to wish for such things. You’re having an internal war in regards to this someone and you just don’t know what to do about the person who was almost your lover.
i miss how you kissed the top of my head
and this smile you gave me passing me in the hall
i miss your hands on my waist
and how you called me sunshine.
i miss how you were winking at me just to make me laugh
and how you always stroke my back when no one saw
and now i am lying in the darkness
of this cold night counting stars you never promised,
forgeting hickeys you never left
and deleting texts you never sent